I feel like this is one of those things that might stretch further than just Northern Californiapeople on this coast are flakes, and theres a pretty big tolerance for flakiness in a lot of social circles, and as a result some of these customs cropped up as a response to the general flakiness. I am always super nervous that when I say hey, can Boyfriend come along to this big group thing were doing? that people say yes just to avoid social conflict and they all actually are pissed or something. I want to come to stuff, but I dont log in that often so I miss a lot of posts.. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. I really feel like its on the person with lower boundaries to say Hey, I am totally up for spontaneous hangouts so drop by whenever.. If she makes a load of fuss and noise? While I am still in the shower. I recognize that this is more my problem than theirs, but I like my budget! Ha, intercultural differences around this kind of thing are a trip. It still doesnt necessarily reflect your relationship with someone though. She made it to the wedding, informed me the night before she was supposed to arrive at my house that she would be staying with someone else, and left the wedding early. The hugest part of it is that I cannot bear to have people see inside my house unless it is perfectly tidy and the floors vacuumed/washed, and every surface freshly wiped down, and no dirty dishes, and with refreshments ready etc (thank you, my mother, for your hostess-shame legacy) and as mentioned I have children. I kind of describe myself as an introverted extrovert. Every so often there is a shitty parent who doesnt care if your kids like each other (because they dont like you or your kid for some stupid reason), but I think you get maybe four asks, versus adult arrangements. And if I were that one in a situation and someone brought it up before or after I would wonder if they were doing it passive aggressively and I would be reevaluating our relationship a bit. but people are not always logical. Bye oops grab the dog please. I also figured out that Im just not that comfortable having people over not a born hostess, I guess. I say this, and I am a pretty easy-going person about not being invited to things. Not every surprise visit was unwelcome. Saying Hey, Ill be dropping by in about ten minutes! is not asking, that is demanding. I was not all that good at social interactions as a kid, and didnt give or get invitations all that often at that age. My main issue is that everyone is so casual that nobody really helps with dishes/cooking/food shopping/cleaning/chopping wood/preparing bait and so partner and I end up running around from dawn till dusk, taking care of a bunch of drunk guys relaxing on our lawn and trying to make small talk with strangers. And at that point, you get to craft your own slow fade, being really really busy when their requests are made. And when you did, Id grab my shoes, say goodbye, twas great to see you and be out. I didnt know what to do and chased after her. I know people who do this (I am not one of them, however). If someone asks what I am doing or was doing [at such and such a time] and the detailed answer is something fun without you. If I answer at all I say I had dinner plans with a friend how was your weekend? or I had a bunch of stuff going on- I am actually kind of glad to be back to work. But thats really about it. But if she leans over you and is not bothered with brushing her body against yours, you have got a winner here. *Finally, weve talked about what to do if someone seems open to making plans initially, but you never actually seem to make plans, and this seems like a good time to review it. If you can improve the overall social impression you make you'll give yourself more leeway to invite yourself to things. I didnt say your way forward was easy, mind. Id probably start avoiding their neighbourhood, tbh. Drop all the way down to sending her a generic Xmas card once a year and wishing her a happy birthday on facebook. I am a very cuddly person; if we are on hugging terms, 99% of the time I want a hug. Next Thursday? PS Side note to LW: you arent doing this. Maybe there are sub-groups within the group that function well together, and the person is only inviting one particular sub-group. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. I think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. If I am up for company, I will invite you to come in, sit down. Its so dependent on individuals. The nice thing about a heads-up text is that its universally appropriate. I have had folks invite themselves over the same day and I have wangled it into lets meet at the bar rather than shame-cleaning or not being able to kick them out when I am sleepy, if its someone you feel you cannot say no to (but just know you can always say no). We slept at one anothers houses. Is it the same rule? I'm currently working with clients who live in Ontario, Canada: Copyright 2006-2023 SucceedSocially.com. Think about your daily routine and determine what items you will need for going to bed and waking up. Hoping to see your face among the crowd. The more open, "drop in", and casual an event is, the more likely it's fine if you invite yourself along, or just say you're going to show up. Never, under any circumstances, ever, show up to someones house EARLY. *by people, I mean the gentry and nobility, not real people. Ive struggled with that, too. However, as long as I have time to grab a shower and put on my going outside pants, you arent really imposing here. . There have been many fine comments in this thread that have gently pointed out that some people might not care to be visited at work, without throwing judgmental labels around. I am sitting here listen to someone honk their horn every 20 seconds for, I dont even know, 5 minutes? And Im usually ok w/ that. Theres nothing wrong with communicating your wishes for your friends to drop by. And if they still didnt come by then, well, at least you tried. Be specific as to drawing out how late its okay to phone, how much notice she needs for an invitation for a meal, how much notice she needs if youre to drop by when youre in the neighborhood. It wouldnt involve a reaming out. Personally, Im totally fine with friends just showing up at my house. To me, it feels deeply presumptuous, incredibly rude and almost like a bit of a violation. Its insanely awkward. What is it about gaming people that makes them like this? This obviously requires some negotiation about how many social units Im willing to invest in which people, and how enthusiastically they respond. The solution is to not let her throw it back at you. For me, its a bit like physical contact boundaries. Place yourself between her and her handbag and see if she leans over you to grab her stuff. Sure, you dont have to manage peoples feelings, but planning a movie marathon for you, Chewy, Chip, and Fred when Dale and George are sitting with you and generally part of the gang seems oddyou do have peoples numbers and know how to use the group message function? My French teacher taught me a great saying (in English, no less!) Offer To Fix Him A Meal On the topic of work drop-bys as compared to home drop-bys, specifically the vibe created by the interruption: Sometimes if you give me the advice I will bite your head off. Oh god yes. It feels like a Big Commitment to do complex scheduling on everything, whereas yo Im walking my dog down your street feels very, very low key to me. I tend to go for is this a partners-also thing or a just-us thing? it means theyre not being asked to make a statement of whether or not my partner, specifically, is welcome. Sometimes I want the advice. Oops, LW I just realised I misread that, and you are friends rather than workmates. just got off the train, be there in 5 min Then they wont be surprised when I buzz them or ring the doorbell a few min later. I am mortified. It takes a certain level of presumption about how close your friendship is to ask someone else to host you, so if youre not 99.9% sure that person would like you to invite yourself over, avoid inviting yourself over. Its a lot about how much lead time I need to prepare the proper conditions for the activity. You were learning. Im pickier about when I want to hang out if we werent already doing so, but asking even 10 minutes beforehand greatly increases the chances of me wanting you to come over, because then I have time to switch to social mode rather than ack, an intruder in my happy little introvert bubble, go away mode. There was a short and unpleasant phone conversation, and I mailed her a new invite. Weve got a few errands to run, so how about if we drop by in about 30 minutes? that would be perfect. You are already doing the right thing by asking, and if people are saying yes, then I would say everything is fine! They were birdwatching haunts). Hey, these new gaslights I bought, arent they great?. Usually one would suggest meeting at their own place or wait until the other person is doing so, I guess.|To a friend? Providing a thoughtful comment on a blog post of a friend, or community contact. To ask for the presence or participation of: invite friends to dinner; invite writers to a conference. Me: I have a thing in the morning. I want to hang out, but Im not psychic! I have appointments, errands, etc.). For example, my friend M, told me about a cultural quirk where he grew up in Brazil. [6] 3 Make a list of everything you want to pack. And I dont want to raise expectations falsely and unsustainably. Some people would probably consider this secretive and dishonest, but tbh Im not sure she would. I discuss it more in this article, about when you're not sure if people are really interested in being friends with you or not. An ex-partner of mine used to plan their scheduling (work, social and romantic) very tightly. Now should the advice-giver start badgering me to see whether I followed their advice, thats something else again. So for a long time I didnt trust that any plans were real until they were actually happening. One of my flats about ten years ago, when we had our housewarming party a guy turned up about three hours before the usual start time about 6 I think, and even at 9 you wouldnt expect many people to have arrived yet. Does it matter that T did come to my sons birthday party (not at our house) last week? On the other hand, living in a separate home with my family yeah, call ahead. If theyd gone with the latter I could give a soft no if I wasnt feeling it and dignity for all would be kept intact, but by hiding that question it pre-empts the soft no by making you divulge that no you didnt really have any plans and are in fact free, thus making it trickier to evade an unwanted invitation gracefully. This sounds exactly like the developmental stage that our kid is going through shes currently grappling with the fact that other people wont always do things just because she demands it, and having temper tantrums when she gets confronted with that fact. Thats the real issue. I do that whole are we still on? thing probably anytime I have plans that were made more than a couple days in advance and dont involve tickets purchased in advance. I was taken aback but knew she was going through a stressful time and gave her space. Hope you resolve your health issues in some way, and are able to venture out again. In one case we could easily made plans anytime, so dropping in felt like too much. So on time it hurts. You are not stupid. I'm trained as a counselor. Oh I love nude dancing! But as a baseline, I would never assume its okay to interrupt you for social reasons during the time when you are engaged in meeting your professional responsibilities to your employer.. I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? You: I really enjoyed meeting you, Id love to get together sometime soon., You: So happy to hear it. If he is into you he will definitely show up as he will want to protect you. The organizer may also be inconvenienced by someone who invites themselves. The never answer the door unless expecting a specific visitor policy is also really true of people with stalkers.

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